Que será, será.

Why, yes, you’ve come to the right place. I decided to change things around here a little bit. You see, this is kind of what I do with my life. Sometimes, life gets a little too static, and I find it’s time to switch things around. Sometimes, I dye my hair pink, chop it off or get a new tattoo. Sometimes I switch school majors. Others, I, you know, just change the layout of my blog. I just have this great, constant need for innovation, or I end up getting bored.

This has always been my problem, since I was a child, which is why I was always in trouble at school. I got bored easily, and I’d get creative (does it get any more ‘recipe for trouble’ than an overly creative, bored child? Didn’t think so!). With time, I learned to focus that creativity on less dangerous more productive things, and I’ve managed to do well so far.

Still, I crave change. All. The. Flippin’. Time. There’s this uneasiness inside of me that won’t get quiet until it’s settled, which is until something is different. Of course, like every normal human being, I fear change. It scares the beejezus out of me. What if my new hair sucks, and what if my new tattoo is done out of impulse, and, for goodness sake, what if, I make the wrong decision about school… again?

You see, I’ve wanted to be everything you can think of. (Except a veterinarian! I must have been the only kid you’ll ever meet that has never wanted to be one!), from an OBGYN (beats me!) to an archaeologist (on my ‘I Love Egypt’ phase!). I wanted to be a detective (Sherlock Holmes style — when I read all Sir Arthur Conan Doyle books — I’d look at things and I’d just solve the mystery!), and none of these things ever felt impossible to me. I had it all worked out in my head. I had no fear, there was no confusion, no doubt. It was perfect.

The only constant in my life has been that I want to be an author. Since I was eleven years old, I know I want to write. Of course, back then, it didn’t seem nearly as challenging (notice I didn’t say impossible) or hard to accomplish as it seems now. It didn’t seem such a dream rather than a goal.

Maybe that’s my problem. My life’s always been full of dreams, dreams that seem unachievable once I actually start thinking about the practicality of them. Then, I realize it wasn’t what I wanted anyway (Looking at women’s hoohas all day? Really? No, thank you!). But, writing, even as I look at all it takes, it’s always there! It’s still what I want. Even if I know how hard it is, there’s something inside of me that keeps nagging and saying, “That’s where you belong.”

Still, I don’t know what to make of it. I don’t know if that’s ever going to be a career, or a hobby, or whatever. I have no idea what will become of my life. And, for a long time, that used to suffocate me. I look at my students confused, trying to figured out what to do for University, and I tell them, “Don’t worry about it, if you don’t like it, you can always switch courses. I still don’t know what I want to do.”

I still don’t. I’m four years into studying Languages and I have no idea what I’m going to do with it. I’m… experimenting. I’ve been teaching, and I really love it. I mean, I’m happy with it. I don’t know if it’s where I belong, or if it’s what I want to do for the rest of my life, but it’s an experience.

Last year, I was thinking about switching University courses again. Seriously thinking. It would pull me back a good four years. But that’s when I realized that I’m going about this the wrong way. I’ve been so worried about what I’m going to do with my life, but I’m already doing it.

My life isn’t my future. My life is now. I’m at school, I’m studying. I’m teaching. I’ve traveled. It’s like the old Doris Day song says, “Que será, será. Whatever will be, will be. The future’s not ours to see. Que será, será.” I’m doing it with my life.

And I think realizing that has helped me a lot. I still have the crazy need for change. I should probably stick with dying my hair or getting a new tattoo for a while, until I’m ready for something more serious. Or changing the layout of my blog.

Speaking of which, what do you guys think of the new layout? And, are you doing now what you thought you’d do as a child? How did that childhood dream fit into your life? Let’s chat!


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